Chernobly $89

Type: tree | Size: small | Origin: Planet Mall
COMPONENTS
Fan
Mist Nozzle
Liquid Dispenser
Duct Tape
PROBLEM

Humans get hot in hot tubs.

SOLUTION

The Chernobly is a water-hose-powered fan and misting system engineered for hot tub environments where electricity has been correctly identified as a poor collaborator with standing water and has been removed from the equation entirely. Power source is the garden hose. The hose spins the fan. The fan moves the air. The mist nozzle array converts excess water pressure into an atmospheric humidity event that will reach unprecedented levels by the third song. The Chernobly cools the upper half of the body. The lower half is in the hot tub and is on its own. Waist-up climate is fully managed. Waist-down is a hot tub. This is the product. Humidity levels in the immediate zone will climb to a point that hair styling becomes retrospective and mirrors stop working. Dancing is encouraged. The Chernobly does not know what electricity is. The Chernobly has never needed to know. The hose is enough. The hose has always been enough.

components

Regardless if your mom blows hot air or something else. Be sure to work the knob to 11 because 11 is better than 10.

Inspect

A fine-spray atomization nozzle that converts pressurized water into a cooling mist distributed across a target area. Works on the principle that small water becomes air and air becomes cool and cool becomes a vibe. Mist output is inversely proportional to the operator's restraint, which is typically low. At full deployment the mist nozzle transitions from refreshing to meteorological. Humidity in the immediate vicinity climbs without asking. Hair becomes a separate conversation. The nozzle does not distinguish between a pleasant outdoor misting experience and a complete atmospheric event. That distinction is the operator's responsibility. The nozzle has never met the operator.

Inspect

A high-pressure nozzle assembly that generates its own 10,000 PSI internally and requires no external pressure source, water line, pump, or explanation. Resembles the adjustable spray nozzle sold at hardware stores for rinsing off decks and driveways, and functions similarly except it will remove the deck. The twist collar adjusts from a wide fan pattern to a focused stream. The wide fan pattern is for coverage. The focused stream is for decisions. Does not require input pressure because it is the pressure. Secondary documented use case is short-range levitation of small humans — not a design intent, not a warranty item, but confirmed by three separate field reports that have been filed and not acted upon. Dispenses any liquid. Has opinions about which liquids. Compatible with all mounting systems that can survive 10,000 PSI of mounting.

Inspect

No confirmed uses. Automagically instantiated at every recursive loop.

Inspect
Inputs
Outputs
TREE
  •  Dial/Knob
AVAILABLE INPUTS
AVAILABLE OUTPUTS
  • comp_spin
Schema
                            {
    "id": "tree_chernobly",
    "name": "Chernobly",
    "type": "tree",
    "inputs": [],
    "outputs": [],
    "passthru": [],
    "children": [
        "comp_fan",
        "comp_mist_nozzle",
        "comp_liquid_dispenser",
        "comp_duct_tape"
    ],
    "extends": null,
    "belongs_to": [
        {
            "id": "planet_mall",
            "name": "Planet Mall",
            "type": "planet",
            "inputs": [],
            "outputs": [],
            "passthru": [],
            "children": [
                "ecosystem_store",
                "ecosystem_clothing",
                "ecosystem_store_electronics",
                "ecosystem_smoke_shop_supreme",
                "ecosystem_restaurant",
                "persona_entitled_emu",
                "persona_baked_turnkey",
                "persona_long_hair",
                "tree_robot_mall_cop",
                "tree_feedback_stick",
                "forest_human_burrito_towers"
            ],
            "tree": [],
            "extends": null,
            "belongs_to": [
                "galaxy_retail"
            ],
            "problem": "Retail is dying. It just won't stop showing up.",
            "description": "Planet Mall is the MTREES retail ecosystem \u2014 the full suite of products, systems, and defensive infrastructure for the commerce environment where things are bought, returned, touched without intention of purchase, and occasionally protected from people who have very strong opinions about the self-checkout line. The mall is not dead. The mall is evolving into something stranger and more defensible. Planet Mall addresses both sides of the retail transaction: the products that facilitate commerce and the products that protect the people facilitating it. Trees here cover the complete spectrum from point-of-sale defensive hardware to retail feedback apparatus to the writing instrument that allows someone to formally register a number on a piece of paper in exchange for a small amount of money. Everything on this planet is designed for high-traffic, low-patience environments where someone is always about to have an opinion about the price."
        }
    ],
    "price": 89,
    "size": "small",
    "problem": "Humans get hot in hot tubs.",
    "description": "The Chernobly is a water-hose-powered fan and misting system engineered for hot tub environments where electricity has been correctly identified as a poor collaborator with standing water and has been removed from the equation entirely. Power source is the garden hose. The hose spins the fan. The fan moves the air. The mist nozzle array converts excess water pressure into an atmospheric humidity event that will reach unprecedented levels by the third song. The Chernobly cools the upper half of the body. The lower half is in the hot tub and is on its own. Waist-up climate is fully managed. Waist-down is a hot tub. This is the product. Humidity levels in the immediate zone will climb to a point that hair styling becomes retrospective and mirrors stop working. Dancing is encouraged. The Chernobly does not know what electricity is. The Chernobly has never needed to know. The hose is enough. The hose has always been enough.",
    "template": "tree"
}

Universe Alpha